Monday, November 20, 2006

who i am

been avoiding baring my soul on cyberspace like the plague - here goes:

my entire life i have felt trapped. i wanted to be free - i wanted to express myself without having to constantly worry about what others would say. but it happened over and over again. everyone always has something to say ;) throughout my life everything i did seemed to be abnormal to people around me. all i wanted was to be myself and be accepted - but i constantly felt like an outcast. i have always had support and lots of love, but there was always those people that no matter what i did - i felt different and inside told myself they hated me for it.

so i have spent a lot of my life putting up walls to protect myself. i became righteous and said to everyone - fuck you and what you think - i don't care b/c i am who i am whether you like it or not and fuck you for judging me. everyone in my life... anytime anyone has said to me that they disagree with my choices i have told them to go fuck themselves time and time again b/c I WAS RIGHT and THEY WERE WRONG.

i thought this gave me courage and power, but what it did was destroy my trust with people... someone would disagree and deep down inside i felt like it was a personal attack on me - like they were trying to prove that who i was was wrong - so i'd shut them up and push them away pretending i was stronger than they were.

in August i GAVE UP BEING RIGHT. i never thought it was possible... but it hit me - i had never seen it before. i really got that NO two people on earth can possibly see things the same way and it doesn't mean anything when someone disagrees with me. they just disagree with me and it doesn't mean anything... not only did i realize that different perspectives are inevitable and valid (as opposed to a personal attack on me), but i also realized how much i can learn and be inspired by someone else's viewpoint... its amazing how much you can get from a viewpoint that is the polar opposite... the thing that's incredible is that everyone thinks that their viewpoint is right - me, you, everyone.. and you become so powerful when you can validate the most outrageous viewpoints. realizing this has changed my life b/c i see that right and wrong only exists in my imagination.

i realized that my entire DIY life has been something i've created to keep myself from needing help from anyone else. "i don't need anyone - i don't trust anyone - i'm doing it all myself b/c i can only count on one person - me". what has changed my life in the past couple of months was to realize how these ideas i created have pushed away people and opportunities in my life. yes, i have created many opportunities in my life by being driven to do things on my own instead of hoping someone else would do it for me and i am grateful that i know how to be driven - i will always be driven and always do things for myself. but it is not enough. one person cannot take on the world. we are all part of this world. we are all together in this whether we like it or not. and the only way we can be powerful is to see other people's perspectives and validate them no matter what the circumstance. that is how we can make a difference in the world - to appreciate one anothers differences.

who i am is freedom through self expression. we will never see eye to eye - its not physically possible for two people in the world to see the same perspective... i will tell you if i don't agree, but i will never make you wrong. i will never take away your freedom to be who you are, say what you feel and when you challenge me i will be grateful, even when it hurts.

i am nothing without the people in my life. i am a songwriter, i am a musician, i am an artist, i am many things - but none of means anything without you to share it with. without you i am nothing.

i tried to find freedom in music, dance, art, sex, love - i let go of my past and found it finally ;) the conception of Valeze was to encourage people to "check their baggage at the door", accept and love everyone for their differences, to feel safe expressing yourself as you are. inside i was still holding onto my baggage and couldn't give myself freely, but now i am truly free and entirely yours. thank you for being who you are and inspiring me to be who i am for you and for myself.